Indian Police Launches Giant Lathicharge Chambers To Deliver Compassionate Beatings

New Delhi: Demonstrating yet another proof of people-friendly approach towards policing, Indian Police today launched giant ‘lathicharge chambers’ that it will use for beating protesters in the city more ‘humanly’.

“We’ve learned from the past that outdated methods of beating protesters mercilessly with Lathis (Bamboo stick) has brought some amount of pain in certain section of citizens who happen to see those gory images,” said City Police chief Daya Upadhyay.

“Our new amazing chambers, roughly the size of 5 buses, would make sure police can beat peaceful protesters with much ease, strength, comfort, without any guilt and in the privacy of closed chambers,” he explained the idea behind this new innovation.

“Each officer will be equipped with advanced night-vision goggles to ensure precision strikes in the chamber’s low-light environment,” Mr. Upadhyay explained. “Protesters will be courteously escorted from demonstration sites and guided into the chambers, where they will enjoy a brief networking session with fellow citizens before corrective activities commence. The chambers will be fully soundproof, ensuring the city’s serenity is preserved—because nothing says peace like the complete absence of audible dissent.”

“These humane chambers will also be equipped with water cannons inside to wash away any biological by-products of civic participation, giving our citizens a more neat and clean look, demonstrating how compassionately they were treated by our Humane police,” said a Home Ministry offical.

A “complaint box” will be put inside the chamber, where protesters can drop feedback forms, There will be screens playing patriotic songs to “uplift morale” while premium corrective interactions happen.

Likewise, a “points-based loyalty card” for repeat protesters will also be issued. Points can later be redeemed for subsidized train tickets or discounted tricolor flags.We’re sure these value additions will uplift the experience of beatings. Each chamber will include a selfie booth where protesters can capture their democratic experience before corrective activities conclude.

“We’ll later add tear-gas guns, rubber-bullet guns and pepper-spray guns inside, to make it state of the art of its kind, because we’ve seen in the past that people disperse and these methods aren’t very effective in open places,” added the official.

“This is one of the most sophisticated machine ever built and would be fully automated. Women, children, elders, youth…all will be treated alike in these chambers, making it a symbol of equality, liberty and righteousness,” he added.

Bluffallo has learnt that officials are also exploring partnerships with leading wellness spas to market these chambers as ‘Democracy Detox Pods’. Officials confirmed that once successful, the chambers may also be made available for weddings, corporate team-building retreats, and student orientation programs.

“The government assures citizens that the chambers would be Make-in-India certified and could be exported as peacekeeping technology to the world…making India the first nation to export democracy not just as an idea, but as a fully automated experience,” said our highly placed source in the Commerce Ministry.